Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
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Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
Put this video in the Louvre
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought