What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
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Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.