[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
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This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?