“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
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Harsh but fair
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
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Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.