BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
You Might Also Like
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?