One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
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If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
Me too door. Me too.
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
I’ve had relationships like this
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything