-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
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My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.