My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
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It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.