how it started vs how it ended
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Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.