Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
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And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
Wasps: bees, but not helping
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.