I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
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Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
When does CPR become necrophilia?
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.