Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
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What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
getting corrected
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.