Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
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them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich