“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
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My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out