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I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
Me irl
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!