Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
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A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
Never let them know your next move 😂
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
All excellent questions
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.