Can’t stop laughing
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he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
When I laugh on my period
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
I needed a laugh this morning.
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently