[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
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Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.