If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
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Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
December birthdays be like…
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.