Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
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Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back