JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
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If you want my opinion ask my wife
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
Search History:
Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too