just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
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Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
Thursday
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered