(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
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“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.