Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
You Might Also Like
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.