Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
You Might Also Like
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.