I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
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Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
Brands during Pride
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.