5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
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What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
I wish I were this cool 😂
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?