rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
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Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!