[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
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starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.