My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
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You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about