don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
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Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
When you’ve simply given up.
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
Who did it better?
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??