News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
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[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”