Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
You Might Also Like
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.