If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
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Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
Natural selection at its finest
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..