“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
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My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
Tony Hawk, age 6
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.