My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
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When you have to marry your mother-in-law
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
Did a trash talking tree write this?
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.