Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
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An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
accurate
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
Encore…
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.