5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
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I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
Real House Wines.
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.