When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
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I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
Smile Twitter, Smile.
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.