Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
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When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
Confused owl: What?!
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?