* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
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Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?