[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
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If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.