Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
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You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
The Birdles
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?