Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
You Might Also Like
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies