‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
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What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
Webb. James Webb.
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest