uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
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I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
In case you needed to hear it:
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many