I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
You Might Also Like
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams