I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
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I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it