I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
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Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
😂😂
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
scared to check what name she chose
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.