getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
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Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for